|Posted on June 20, 2012 at 11:10 AM|
The early morning sends sunlight streaking through the blinds on the kitchen window, making stripes of daylight on the wall. The cat is whiny and mad, I've forgotten food for her in all the craziness of the last few days and she has run out. Our dog, Cookie, waits patiently by the back door, her big eyes saying more than she knows. It's Saturday and all are still asleep upstairs, curled in dreams, somewhere where I am not. I'll get to my walk soon, but right now, the coffee smells too new and too warm not to have. Yogurt and granola, a bit of internet. Breakfast.
My daughter, Summer, has graduated. Top Honors, 3 Varsity sports, clubs, ASB, Prom Queen. What more can I say? It's been a long wonderful race and we've reached the confetti at the end. In September, she starts anew in college. Architecture major. A Masters. I'll have a whole new role then, same title, new duties. For now, I'll rest on my laurels, view her in the pride and love I feel at her accomplishments and readjust my heart to the fact that my capacity in her life is changing. My life is changing. Corey is going strong with work and college, she's on her way and I am still in that doorway of motherhood telling them to fly from the nest but so, so wishing that they continue to come back. To wave and smile, to remember my arms are always waiting. I kind of hate that I'm so mushy. There are paintings to finish and a commission to do. This messes me up and interferes with my drive to create. With the parts of me that still need to be independent in a way of the family/motherhood thing.
It makes me tear up with that huge parent pride feeling that we all have when realizing that we didn't just have them. That they chose us. That they gifted us with their presence.
Time to feed my soul beyond the family I tell myself. As if that is actually separate from love and family and not meshed into it. To find those things that inspire and push me. Things that affect me so I can't help but share with those I love and the world on canvas and on page. Visual, textured, bright, weighty things that teach me and give me gifts of creativity so I don't fall through the cracks in the sidewalks of the neighborhood and never get out. Funky people and crazy places. New artistic techniques and new brushes with life= some good, some bad.
Three days ago, four local boys, two graduated, two about to, were all in a horrific crash that took the life of one and forever changed the survivors, who are still critical in the hospital. All this happening while my daughter is at Disneyland for Grad Nite and graduating. I know one of the families, their son, a first boyfriend of my child. Close, caring and hardworking. They are waiting in the hospital now, as I did when Rob was hit a bit ago, to be there should they wake him from the coma he is in. I know this anguish, this ache of the soul. My heart is with all of them. My mind flashes to the last trip his Mom put up on Facebook. To the cap and gown she had just shared online in a snapped photo. This is his graduation. I can't even imagine what is ahead. So in the midst of all I am feeling, my prayers and emotions run to her. To all the families so affected. My heart dreams of a better tomorrow for them, even as I put up the photos of my own child in her celebrations. I've hugged this boy. This young growing man. I watched as he courted my daughter in their freshman year and I hugged his Mom and sister when they brought me care and food when my husband was in his own terrible wreck that almost took him from me. I watch as my daughter, alive with life -new, wonderful boyfriend and future, struggles with her own aches and fears for him and the family she grew close too. The realizations about life and death that she is having forced upon her in this situation and my empathy and love feel like they will burst my chest. Life is precious, it is fragile. We need to do those celebrations. To respect the love of those around us. To carry the knowledge of all that we have in every step. So I am celebrating, and hoping for good. I am going out the door into the early morning with healing prayers in my heart and on my mind. Even as I paint and draw and sculpt and travel my way into a new period of life. Realizing that family gets me there. Family holds me up. Family is my rock I stand on.
Categories: Life and our Hearts